Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
