Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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