I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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