You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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