this beer tastes like vomit already
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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