allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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