Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
