I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
