Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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