you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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