i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
