once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
