I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
