I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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