I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
