i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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