I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
