My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
