I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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