I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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