i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
