you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
