I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
