you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
