Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
