i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
