lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
