I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Everclear isn't food dammit
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
