Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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