That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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