I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
