She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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