True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
