Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
