I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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