this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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