I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize