Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
