I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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