I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude i'm inner monologue high
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
