I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize