I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
