Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize