For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
