If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
