I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
