My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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