absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
