somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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