so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
