i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
