Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
