we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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