just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
