She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
