You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
