...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just gift wrapped bread.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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