Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
