Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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