This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
