I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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