Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
