if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
