i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
