Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
