Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize