just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
